This isn’t an easy conversation to know where to begin and at which age to do so at, but with the average age of children first seeing illicit content in the UK is at 13 (and 1 in 4 children have viewed it at 11 (2023 Children’s Commissioner report)), the earlier we engage our children in this most important topic the better.
Unlike when we were young, today’s children are growing up in a world where highly sexualised, explicit material is available at their fingertips. They often access it before they are emotionally or cognitively ready to process it. This type of content can distort a young person’s understanding of healthy relationships, consent and even body image. The content is also designed to be extremely addictive.
Because of how easily it can be accessed, many children can accidentally stumble across it whilst online, whether researching for homework, watching a Youtube video and being directed to another or even in a group messaging app such as WhatsApp.
It is vital your children know they can come to you in any circumstance whether that be to explain what they saw, provide guidance and balance to a potentially upsetting encounter or
Start young
This is not “a once in a childhood” talk but an ongoing and ever changing conversation. There will be awkward moments and you may not know all the answers but in a world of the unknown, you want your children to ask you, and not the internet, what something means or implies.
The easiest way is when they are little and using the appropriate biological terms for their body parts. Not only does it allow your children to learn to accurately understand their own anatomy, it breaks down the taboo surrounding and eliminates shame in discussing these areas. It is simply a term…much like elbow, earlobe and wrist. However, in conjunction with using these words, we need to impress upon young children that these areas are to remain private and the children
themselves should respect their private areas.
Alongside teaching young children the correct anatomical terms for their private body areas, it is important to start teaching them about consent. Two real life
examples which I used with my own children were doctor’s visits and rough housing/tickling.
Doctors visits
When your children are young and they go to the doctors, they may have examinations which require them to lift up shirts or dresses or pull down pants.
Whenever this needed to happen, I would say to each of my children, the doctor would like to see you do this because they wish to examine you here, are you ok
with this? Remember I am here to ensure this is done correctly (also confirming a reasonable adult would wish a parent to be in the room when examining a child). I
would get their consent and in doing so teach them their own body autonomy.
Rough housing/tickling
A lot of children wish to wrestle and/or be tickled! But a really easy way to demonstrate consent is by stopping whenever they ask you to, even if they are giggling furiously! I used to stop immediately and if my child wished to continue, they would ask and I would acquiesce until they again said stop. It is very small but
it teaches children to be aware of their own bodies and when they have reached their limits, begin to expect those limits will be respected in healthy relationships and
in turn, respect any limits imposed on them.
Good photos and bad photos
As they grow older, your children will have an opinion on photos and some they may have an instinctive reaction to. It is important to nurture their trust in their own instinct and what reaction a photo may elicit. Ultimately the first time they view sexually explicit material, curiosity aside, there will be an element of discomfort or
uncertainty around viewing it. You want your child to notice this reaction, understand curiosity is normal but their instinctive reaction to sexualised content
should be listened to.
Model Healthy relationships
Most online adult content is not based on the concepts of respect, conversation or consent. A healthy relationship (whether family, friendship or their partner) must be
based on the very things which are missing from online, highly sexualised content. By teaching our children what a loving relationship can look like, they are able to
distinguish between what they see online and what is real life.
Ask your children what they believe a healthy relationship looks like. They may include factors which you haven’t considered and any conversation around healthy
relationships is a good one to have.
Online adult content is not real
It may sound obvious but stating this is crucial. Tell your children that what they see online is acting and is not real. Explaining to children what they may view online is very different to how people in healthy, consensual relationships demonstrate their physical intimacy. Online is acted and the participants are putting on a performance so things can be exaggerated and lines blurred especially between pleasure, violence and consent.
Impress upon your children that gaining consent for any activities between two people is important to obtain prior to it. And that anyone can change their minds at
any point. This is not demonstrated in highly sexualised online content and is a crucial component of a healthy, physical relationship.
Final thoughts
Advice I have been given which has proven to be very effective as my children have developed into teenagers is to not sit down and have these chats. It can cause discomfort before you even begin! I’ve usually had one or two things to say whilst driving with one or both of my children with me. I have also never differed in what I have told my children based on their sex, my daughter hears the same as my son. But it is on-going, repetitive and brief (unless they have questions). The intention
isn’t to lecture but to steadily ensure the message is passed on, that being curious about the opposite sex and becoming more attracted to them is a normal part of
growing up but what they can see online isn’t
Having honest, age-appropriate conversations about inappropriate or explicit online
content helps children feel more informed, confident, and secure. You don’t need to have all the answers—what matters most is being available and calm.
When children know they can come to you with difficult questions or uncomfortable experiences, they’re better equipped to navigate the digital world with resilience.