In today’s world, many of the traditional rites of passage that once guided children into adulthood have quietly disappeared. As social psychologist, Jonathan Haidt, explains in The Anxious Generation, modern secular societies have largely abandoned these community milestones – rituals that once involved separation from childhood, a meaningful transition, and a celebratory re-entry as a newly recognised adolescent or adult.

Without these markers, Haidt argues, many young people are left navigating critical developmental stages without structure or guidance, creating what he calls a “blocked transition” into adulthood. In the absence of adult-led initiation, teens often invent their own rites, sometimes through risky behaviours or excessive engagement with the digital world.

Parents, however, still seek meaningful ways to acknowledge growing independence. Increasingly, one such “marker” has become the gifting of a smartphone, often around the age of 11 or 12, either to mark their child’s graduation from primary school or as a birthday present. But that gesture, whilst well-intentioned, may be more loaded than we realise.

The Problem With Giving a Phone as a Gift

When a phone is given as a birthday present, it is typically understood as belonging to the child. And that alone can contribute to problems.

If the phone belongs to your child, you may find it harder to enforce boundaries like:

• screen time limits
• respect for phone-free family moments
• app restrictions
• access to content
• or even the right to check the device if needed

Fast forward a year or two, and your now-teen may resist your involvement entirely. After all, it was a gift, and you can’t take back gifts.

As Haidt and others have pointed out, young people need support navigating the digital world. The adolescent brain is still developing its impulse control and risk awareness. The assumption that tweens are ready to manage a powerful, connected device independently is simply not supported by developmental science.

An Alternative: The Phone “On Loan”

Instead of giving the phone as a celebratory present, consider framing it as being provided on loan, a tool that the child can use with guidance, boundaries, and shared responsibility.

This helps in several ways:

• It reinforces parental oversight. If the phone belongs to the parent, it’s easier to set and enforce rules: no phones in bedrooms, no use at the dinner table, limits on certain apps or times of day.
• It creates space for clear agreements. You and your child can sign a tech agreement outlining how and when the phone can be used, and what happens if the rules aren’t followed.
• It allows for meaningful consequences. If the phone is on loan, then removing it temporarily in response to misuse isn’t taking away a possession, it’s enforcing a boundary.
• It supports long-term learning. Children aren’t born with the skills to self-regulate in the digital world; they learn them over time, with adult supervision. Keeping the phone “on loan” helps normalise that ongoing support.

Milestones are still important

Milestones, like birthdays or primary school graduations, are definitely worth marking – they help children feel seen and celebrated. But it’s important to separate these celebrations from the responsibility that comes with owning a smartphone; the two should not be seen as connected.

Rather than giving a phone as part of the celebration, consider making it part of an entirely separate conversation at a time that feels appropriate for your family. When the time comes, you could say:

“You’re entering a new stage, and we’re ready to give you access to a phone, but it needs to be with our continued guidance because it is important to learn how to use it well.”

This creates space for a calm, clear conversation about how the phone will be used, walking through expectations and even a contract together, without the distractions of birthday or other celebrations. It helps your child understand that having a device isn’t just exciting – it comes with real responsibility.

Haidt suggests reviving age-based rites of passage, milestones that match new freedoms with clear responsibilities. A phone can be one of these moments, but only if it’s introduced with intention, structure, and ongoing support.